Snow White :: In the Style of Yullen
by Baniita
Summary: Yullen, Tyvi, hints of other pairings, some of them crack. The new King Lee discovers that there are two who surpass Lenalee in beauty, and he won't let them get away with such felony. So he tries to deface them. Chaos ensues.
1. SW :: Chapter I

**x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x**

**::// { Snow White :: In the Style of Yullen }**

**x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x**

\: Chapter I :: Introduction ; Trouble Ahead :/

**::xoxox::**

Abomination of the original story collected by the Brothers Grimm and the classic Disney movie.

DISCLAIMER: Well, is Yullen canon? Then no, ofcourse -man and its characters are not my creation. All this character base does not belong to me, but does to Hoshino Katsura.

_Ideas by Bani[dot]no[dot]Usagi (A.K. Yullenator) and The Funny-looking Lady._

_Written by Bani[dot]no[dot]Usagi._

**::xoxox::**

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, in some crazy fan girls' imagination, lived a beautiful queen. One day, as Queen Yuuna Walker* was embroidering into her hand bag a picture of two guys (almost) kissing**, she accidentally pricked her finger on her needle. Jerking back her hand in slight pain, she noticed that the blood had dripped onto the fresh snow that fell on her ebony bed room window sill.

Queen Yuuna quietly prayed, "Oh, _so dearly_ do I wish that I could have a beautiful daughter with skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood, and hair as black as ebony..."

The King, Mana Walker sat in the next seat by the coffee table they shared. King Mana was sipping his tea and reading the newspaper when he asked, "Dear, you want an heir so early? But why lips as red as blood? That's rather... Morbid. You sound like a pervert."

Queen Yuuna looked back at him dryly.

And so, Yuuna had finally had her wish (somewhat) granted. Much later next year, she gave birth to a child...

The doctor held up the baby, with tears in his eyes, he exclaimed: "Why, it's a beautiful baby girl!"***

"_Oh...hah... Please...let me... see the child_," the queen struggled to say.

Doctor Chaoji Han passed the cleaned baby to the king, who handed it to the mother to hold together.

But then, King Mana spoke up: "Doctor Han... I do believe that it's a baby boy."

The queen was a little disappointed, but she was happy anyway. But since the doctor got their hopes up, they sent Chaoji to the crocodile vs. alligator pit.

**::xoxox::**

However, the child grew to be even more attractive than the queen could've ever wished for. Though she died before her eyes could experience his drop-dead-sexiness. By the time of his mid and especially late teens, he was indeed very handsome yet beautiful, and had many fan girls. Kanda Yuu could turn heads from afar, from maybe even Russia. Even when he's pissed, vulgar, and frightening. Because that just makes him look even sexier. But anyway. He did have pale skin, though not as white as snow, 'cause that's just nasty. And he did have long, straight black locks, as black as ebony. As for red lips as red as blood? Uh... more like a thirst for blood. And lastly, he kind of did look like a girl--from far away, at least.

Queen Yuuna Walker (maiden name Kanda Yuuna) passed away along with the king's brother, by the time the new prince was about nine. The king's brother was taking care of a child himself, and so King Mana continued to look after that child for him.

The young child, Allen, was around six at the time. He had a gorgeous head of snowy white locks and an adorable, yet boyish visage. He was a very sweet and peculiar child. But Allen and the young prince didn't get along well... Well, that's an understatement.

"Hi. Uhm... Good morning, my name is Allen, it's a pleasure to meet you, Prince Y-" Allen said holding out his hand, before being cut off.

"That's Prince _Kanda_ to you! _And I don't shake hands with shorties like you, moyashi!_" Kanda said with his hands crossed and trademark scowl.

Allen twitched before he replied back, with a sarcastic smile on his face, "Well, thanks for that. _I would've surely regret shaking hands with such a rude prick._"

King Mana panicked while he tried to hold back his son. Kanda trembled with anger while he grumbled, "_Why... you little..._"

**::xoxox::**

A few years after the queen and the king's brother died, the king himself followed. Kanda began to take care of himself and Allen at the same time, living off of their inheritance.

One day, Allen made an attempt to reach up the shelves to grab the flour, but failed terribly due his condition of being rather vertically challenged. Sighing, and after failing once more, he went to grab a stool. However, he mistakenly used one of the stools that Kanda used to throw at people who were pissing him off, (not counting Allen--he uses other methods for punishing his dear moyashi,) and thus, he fell.

"Eyaaahhh!" Allen wailed, falling on something softer than the ground.

Kanda held him in his arms and smirked.

Allen flushed angrily and beat the other man's chest in a mix of frustration and embarrassment.

"You... Who'd have thought you'd be so... cliché," Allen commented.

"Yes, who would have thought," Kanda replied monotonously.

Then Allen suddenly realized. "Oh my god, _you did that on purpose, you jerk!!_"

**::xoxox::**

Now that the King had no siblings to continue reign, the next most powerful family stepped up. The Lee family.

Komui Lee was an eccentric man, but he was kind at heart (mostly). He took care of Kanda and Allen, as he was a good friend to the old queen. Except he could become evil whenever he's fooled into thinking that someone was trying to do inappropriate things to his sister, Lenalee Lee. Among other things.

**::xoxox::**

As usual, the king was sleeping soundly (and sleep talking) at his desk, hugging his Lenalee pillow.

"Mmr... Can I get... another cup of coffee... Lenalee-tan... Yes, Blue Mounta... _No more Blue Mountain coffee?!_ Mmrrr... Pink Mountain... _Charliieee..._ the vortex is closing... _candy... Sorcerer..._"

Lavi, an apprentice to the castle's historian/librarian, needed his documents to be signed and stamped by the king. Now, he just needs to wake Komui up so he can force him to do his job.

Lavi smiled mischievously, then whispered into Komui's ear... "Allen groped Lenalee."

No response. --_Oh yeah_, Allen turned gay and already has a lover! (Lavi assumes based on Allen's behaviour.) And he'd never cheat.

Lavi pondered... Then thought of another idea. "Kanda is secretly taking creepy pictures of Lenalee."

No response. --_Oh, rigghhttt._ Kanda's asexual. Well... then again, he does seem to pay a lot of attention to Allen... and spend a lot of time with him... voluntarily.

He sighed. Okay, how about this? He whispered again to King Komui, "I asked Lenalee what her three measurements were."

Still no response. _...Oh yeah_, a prince from the neighbouring kingdom, Prince Tyki Mikk, kind of already announced that Lavi is his. And stole a kiss from him. _In public, in front of everyone in the castle._ Well, that sucks. Though Lavi didn't seem to mind at the time. (Besides, he already knows her measurements.)

Okay, here goes my final attack! He loudly whispered into the King's ear, "Reever is cheating on you!"

Komui shot up instantaneously, and stomped off with an army of Komlins and deadly gear. After Lavi got him to sign the papers, who was trying his best not to die from laughing too hard, that is.

Lavi later found Tyki's sister, Princess Rhode Kamelot, passionately making out with Lenalee. Well that explains even more why his threats didn't work. But why does everyone have to be gay?

**::xoxox::**

As per evening, Komui was in his office, slacking off as usual. He faced towards his magic mirror-camera-glass thing that Jeryy had given him the day before and asked, holding his hand out for dramatic affect...

_"Reever, Reever on the wall..._

_Who is the fairest one of all?"_

On the other side, in the the chemistry lab, Reever replied threateningly: "...What the-- Oi, get. Back. To work. If you don't, I'll know. And when I do, I'll freaking jump through this mirror and I'll kick your ass so badly, my foot will make an indent. Then, I'll write Lenalee a letter from you saying horri-"

"._..Just answer my question~!!_" the king whined, hands drooping inelegantly.

"Ok, fine! Your sister, Lenalee, is the fairest of all."

Komui gyrated gleefully, then saying: "Really?!" while blushing.

"Woah, nope! I'm getting another reading!" Reever teased, "While your sister Lenalee certainly is hot--er--I mean fair, there are others fairer than she."

"WHAT?! This mirror must be broken!"

"It's true!"

"Then, ALAS! Tell me their names!" Komui said, holding his hand out again.

"Well, I'll tell you about the first of the two..."

"_Skin almost as white as snow,_

_Hair as black as ebony..._

_And the blood that gleams on his sword after cutting down his enemies, shining in the moonlight-_"

Komui knew at that moment who the mirror was talking about, and so he yelled angry and accusingly: "KANDA YUU!!"

"...Right. And there is another boy that rivals his beauty."

"ALAS! Tell me his name!" Komui demanded in the same, exact pose.

"_Hair as white as snow-_"

Komui cut him off again, "ALLEN WALKER!!"

"...No, really," Reever replied sarcastically, "NOW GET BACK TO WORK!!"

"Aww... Yes, yes..." Komui said obediently. Of course, as soon as Reever was gone, he started scheming. That's never good.

**::xoxox::**

**xx:OMAKE:xx**

Lavi: Alright, here are some of the questions for the readers of the manga!! :D Let's read the first one... It's to Allen!

Allen: Hm? C:

Lavi: This is from 15 year-old Merry Poupans-san. 'Allen-san, do you have whit'---ERRRRRR--UHMMM. LET'S JUST SKIP THIS ONE!

Allen: Ehh? Why? That's so rude!

_[ Kanda just stands there behind Allen all indifferent and stuff. Sort of groping him. ]_

Lavi: TT __TT I can't-- We can't answer it!!

Allen: Just read it! *Tries to snag it.*

Lavi: NOOooooo! TT __TT Don't read it!! *Flail.*

_[ The paper slips out of Lavi's hand... Allen catches it. ]_

Allen: 'Allen-san... Do you have white hair, even down there?'

*Long pause.*

Allen: Oh. OH. OH! UHM. Uhh...!!!

Kanda: ...Obviously, the moyashi doesn't have hair down there.

Allen: *Panics!!!* What-uhh-I... Err... That is...

Lavi: EHHH?!! O////O" You two've already gone that far?!

Allen: *Glare.*

Kanda: *Smirk.*

**::xoxox::**

Author's Note: Well, uhhh. Hope that wasn't too bad. XD Feedback would be nice, but I'm warning you. If you flame me, you will get at least half a page of ranting.

Oh, and the omake... Please send me some questions addressed to Kanda or Allen! :3 Interesting questions only! Rar.

And if you're a lavi................................Yuu fan, or a laven fan, (or a pokerpair fan), don't. Mention. A THING. That supports the pairings.

Seriously. I'll start giving you so much shit, it's not funny.

(Oh, and the poker pair thing?

On one of the inner covers, Allen used poker to strip Tyki AND LAVI down to their boxers... For fan service? 8'D Oh, oh, OHH! Maybe he's a Lucky/Tyvi fan as wellll? Haha, I kid.)

*1 :: Yuuna - Made from the names Yuu and Mana. XD" We named Kanda and Allen's kids--Mana, a young white-haired girl who loves soba with bean sprouts, and cheats or uses her cuteness to always get her way. And Yullen, is a boy with long jet-black hair, who eats a lot, loves mitarashi dango, is great at guessing, and has incredible luck. Both Yullen and Mana have a sibling complex. Kanda dotes on Mana the best way he can. Allen uses a metallic rolling pin to beat up Kanda when he misbehaves. And Allen makes Kanda heart furitakes. = w="

**2 :: It's SasuNaru. 8'D I want that bag. NOW. Preferably of Yullen instead of SasuNaru.

***3 :: A snookie to anyone who gets this reference. And no way can Kanda's penor be small, even from birth! He's too hot for that! D: And he PMS-es all the time--that's gotta make a lotta sperm! (Please don't take my silly jokes seriously...)

+ Moyashi = bean sprout. You gotta know that by now... D: And Kanda kept his Japanese last name because he doesn't want people to call him by his first. :3 And I don't want to call him by his first name untill Allen does. Canonly. (Which will most likely never happen. =Sob.=)


	2. SW :: Chapter II

**x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x  
::// { Snow White :: In the Style of Yullen }  
x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x  
**\: Chapter II :: Warning! :/

**::xoxox::**

On a day where the sky is a favourable blue, where the clouds are few, white, and fluffy... The only things lacking are the rainbows and unicorns and tales of hetero love (but really, why would you want that?) Two head-turning beautiful boys are left to do labour as they clean the stone stairs.

Allen started humming softly the tune of Fleshli-er-Moonlight Sonata. He started climbing the stairs, cleaning them one at a time with a cloth and a wooden bucket of water. However, Allen wasn't paying attention, and knocked over the (thankfully clean) water behind him. Kanda was right behind him, and got his clothes wet. Uh oh.

Kanda snapped, "GAH!! Seriously, _WHAT THE HELL?!_"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Allen panicked, clasping his palms together to apologize.

"Not only are you bad at cleaning, but you're fucking _CLUMSY_ too?!"

"W-what?! _I am not bad at cleaning!!_"

"Yeah?! Then what the hell are these spots still doing here?!"

"You idiot, _that doesn't even come off!!_ You have those in your area too!"

"I do not!!"

"What?! Do you need to get your eyes checked or something?! There's one _right there_!" Allen pointed.

"_That's a freakin' ladybug!_"

"Yeah?! Well, there's one on your face, _let me smack it off!_"

"Just try it!!"

The boys started hissing and snapping their rags at each other.

Then Cross, one of King Mana's friends who just returned from a mission where there's a lot of dirt on the way back, stepped on the areas they cleaned with his big, muddy boots.

He smirked, "Hey, baka deshi, you missed a spot."

Oh, now both of them were pissed. So they both chucked their dirty rags at his face. Timcanpy, who was on Cross' head, dodged.

"You fucking jerk! I _just_ cleaned that!!" Allen yelled.

"How dare you?! I'll fucking throw you down the well!" Kanda joined in, roaring, just about to throw his bucket at him.

Cross' eyes started glowing like Satan's.

Kanda and Allen's combined glares faced it off.

Timcanpy joined in.

**::xoxox::**

"You two!" Komui raised his voice with authority.

"Er... Yes, your Majesty?" Lavi asked.

"I have _dirrreeee_ news!" Komui whined, "But first, answer me truthfully--_who's the most beautiful of these three?_ My dear, sweet, wonderful Lenalee-tan... or... _or... those nincompoop lovebirds Kanda and Allen?!_"

Well, Tyki was stupid. So he answered bluntly: "Eh? Well... Girly-boy and the card shark seem to be at a tie for looks... those two would look good in anything. (Especially naked on top of eachother.)"

He died in a pool of blood, with a drill sticking out of his back.

And well, Lavi was stupid too. Even though he was academically a genius, he was mostly stupid. Or brave to the point there's no line between the two. So he answered hyperly: "Oh! Oh!! _Tyki!_ Tyki's the hottest! Though Kanda is pretty hot himself. And Allen is just adorable!"

He got super-bitch-slapped and died on top of Tyki. Meanwhile, Tyki was a bit vexed Lavi complemented other men so much... That hypocrite.

"So, my King, what might we be able to do for you...?" Tyki asked this time, lamely.

"Ohhh, it is apparent now that the former princes Kanda Yuu and Allen Walker have surpassed my lovely Lenalee in beauty!" Komui cried in an overflowing fountain on the balcony.  
They looked at him weirdly. Those two were always the most good-looking. Especially Allen. He was the cutest thing when he was younger. Now he's not only cute, but beautiful too.

Of course, Lenalee was very pretty. But compared to the others: Allen, Kanda, Tyki, Rhode, and Lavi? Not really. Especially with the silly bob she has now. She can't rock it. (Oh, she was the prettiest in that loli outfit Rhode put her in. Or in her not-as-curly-as-Betty-Boop hair. She was OK in pigtails.)

Komui grabbed a towel, then continued, "SO, I'll have to have you two _kidnap_ them and put them in my newest Komlin, _Komlin Z!! Muahahaha!_ Then I'll surgically alter their faces and make them look like a _teenage-pop-idol-gone-wrong! Bwahahahahaaaa!_" Komui announced loudly.

Lavi looked blankly at him. Then both him and Tyki shook their heads at their king.

"Seriously, how low can you get?" Lavi said, sweat dropping.

"Aww, at least I'm not killing them!" Komui said nibbling on his towel like a goat.

Tyki sighed, "And if we refuse?"

Uh oh.

"_YOU CAN'T. REFUSE._ YOU HAVE 2 DAYS. UNDERSTAND?" Komui said, smiling evily, somehow magically growing eight times bigger in size, and then towering over them. Woah--where those floating drill heads on the ends of his hair just now?

**::xoxox::**

Lavi was lying on his back, upside-down on the stairs to the gardens. He took out a small gourd, and popped it open before chugging down some sake.

"Sooo, what the are we going to do?" Lavi asked, sighing.

"You're asking me?" Tyki replied, puffing out a heart to Lavi with his cigarette. He was lying a few stairs below Lavi, head next to his.

Lavi made an "_aww, that's so sweet_" face before continuing, "No ideas at all?"

"Well... I'm sure my sister Rhode still has that good quality life-sized doll made to perfectly imitate Allen's looks. But..." Tyki said.

"Wo-woah!? _Seriously?_ Like a blow-up doll?"

"No no, it looks exactly like Allen. It's just soulless. It breathes and stuff but..."

"Holy crap that's creepy. She's like a mad scientist. _And holy crap, I think she just made the ultimate blow-up doll._"

"It's not a blow up doll, for god's sake..." Tyki chuckled, "but the problem is, I don't think she'll give it to us."

"Why not?! She has Lenalee now!"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. I saw them. And holy freaking crap it was hot." Lavi said in a daze.

"I can't imagine them together..." Tyki said dumbfounded.

"Your sister's on top."

"Okay, _now I totally see it._"

"As for Yuu-chan?"

"Well, we can try asking Lulubell..." Tyki said sweat dropping in doubt.

"Oh, oh! I have an idea!" Lavi said, slapping his fist onto his other hand's palm.

"What is it?"

"_Catnip._"

Tyki laughed lightly, "_She's going to kill me._"

"Don't worry baby, if you lose breath, I'll give you CPR!" Lavi said cheekily.

"Fine, here. I'll give you some air. Be sure to give it back to me," Tyki replied, turning his over to kiss Lavi.

"Yeah..." Lavi muttered in another daze after their kiss broke.

Tyki smiled, got up and left.

**::xoxox::**

"_Rho-taann!_" Lavi called happily.

"Ehh? Ah, hey Lavi," Rhode called back to her prank buddy. The two would meet for snacks and then occasionally pull mean, childish jokes on random passerbys and guards. And sometimes Tyki would be a victim.

**::xoxox::**

"Wow... How'd you manage to get the mannequin so fast?" Tyki asked amazed.

"I'm the Bookman's apprentice. Don't underestimate me!" Lavi boasted.

"Okay, so that'd she agree to?" Tyki said, sitting opposite to him, dragging along an unconscious Lulubell-turned-Kanda.

"Basically, she wants an entire photo album and a bunch of posters of the two idiots in gay positions."

"...I knew it was going to be something like that." Tyki said, shaking his head. He poked at the doll of Allen.

"So I installed high-def colour cameras _all over their room_ and areas where they usually go." Lavi whispered sinisterly, rubbing together his palms in an evil gesture.

Tyki face-palmed.

**::xoxox::**

Kanda and Allen were taking a walk outside.

"_Waaaa! GUUYYYSSS!_" Lavi cried while glomping the hugging Kanda and Allen from out of nowhere.

"_GET. OFF. YOU DAMNED USAGI._" Kanda yelled, trying to pull Lavi off.

"Whaa- Lavi?! You're going to suffocate us!" Allen warned.

Tyki picked him up by the shirt, and smiled darkly at his bunny, who instantly went "_meep_".

"_Hellppp!_ Tyki _raped me_!" Lavi sobbed, flailing his arms.

"Oh _please._ It's not like you were unwilling," Kanda and Allen chorused. Lavi went into "_meep_" mode again.

Tyki set his bunny down, who then hopped behind the other couple for protection.

"So anyways. You two need to get out of town for a while untill Lenalee comes back," Tyki explained, taking out a cigarette to light it.

The said two didn't understand. Allen spoke, "How come?"

"Komui's out of control. He wants to deface you two for being prettier than Lenalee," Lavi meeped.

"What the-- Then why not we just go beat him up!?!" Kanda tried reasoning.

"No use. He has Komlin Z with him as a guard--it's impossibly strong," Tyki rebutted.

"_Another one!!?!_" Kanda and Allen said together in unison.

Kanda spoke angrily, reaching for Mugen, "All the more reason to cut it up, then!"

"_OVERRULED!_" Allen was calling up past traumas with previous Komlins. "Doesn't that man ever learn?" Allen said, pacing in panic. "Kanda, hurry up! Let's pack!! We're leaving tonight!!" Allen said in a determined voice. He dragged Kanda away...

"I hope they'll be alright..." Lavi moped.

"Let's go get Komui before Lulubell wakes up," Tyki suggested, turning back to the castle.

**::xoxox::**

"Oh, you two did so well!" Komui praised, patting both Tyki and Lavi's heads.

Tyki and Lavi were looking away awkwardly, saying "Uhm... Yeah."

"Okay, _lets get started!_" Komui chirped, "Just dump them here~" He pointed on th ground before Komlin.

They piled up their sacrifices.

"Operation Defaceterize--_GOO!!_" Komlin Z announced, opening up the doors on its chest, mechanical hands grabbing the two boys.

**::xoxox::**

**xx:OMAKE:xx **(A really really lonnnngg one...)

Allen: Hello again everyone! This is the questions corner once again!!

Lavi: The question corner where we do our best to humiliate Yuu-chan and moyashi-tan~!!

Allen: ..._Lavi!!_ I thought I told you to stop calling Yuu that.  
Kanda: ..._Lavi._ Don't. Call me. By my. First naaammme. *Fumes. Slams his tea cut against the table.*

_[ Kanda and Allen are sitting next to eachother near a coffee table, sharing a mat. ]_

Lavi: Ehh? I get that Yuu-ko wouldn't want me calling him that--ehh-but you too, moyashi-teru?!

Kanda: Oh, now I'm _officially_ beyond pissed.  
Allen: I don't... want anybody to call Yuu that... exept me. Alright?

Lavi: ...OH! _That's just adorable, Allen~!_

Allen: *Sigh.* You're incorrigible, Lavi.  
Kanda: *Somewhat touched.*

Lavi: Alright! *Stamps fist on his other hand's palm.* Question time!

_[ Lavi lights up a smoke for Timcanpy, who flies around happily. ]_

Kanda and Allen: *Nervous.*

Lavi: This is from 8-year-old (Silly Rabbit,) Bella-Trix-is-for-kids: "Was Rhode-chan Allen's first kiss...? I'm not sure, because I'm sure many girls in the red-light distric would have jumped him..."

Allen: Th-that didn't count!! _She attacked me!!!_  
Kanda: *Shocked. Wasn't there.* You... you _kissed a NOAH?_  
Allen: It... it wasn't my fault...

Lavi: Hahaha!! You should've seen it! Poor Allen, I was worried that he would've fallen over from the trauma. _So? Was she your first kiss?_

Allen: Uh... Uhm... No, not exactly... *Looks away.*

Lavi: ... Soo... *Looks at Kanda.* You... you didn't... did you?!

Kanda: *Sigh.* And if I did take his lip virginity?  
Allen: Yuu! Just... _Just shut up!_  
Kanda: What? There's no use in denying it.

Lavi: *Blank look.* But... _When?!_

Kanda: _None of your business._  
Allen: *Sigh.*

Lavi: I want to knnnnoooowww! Alright! Time to hit up on Rhode!! She'll know!

Allen: _NOOOooo!!_ Don't!

Lavi: *Already calling her through his golem.*  
Rhode: Hello, Kamelot residence!  
Lavi: Yo! Rhode!

_[ Allen tries to muffle the golem. Fails.]_

_[ Allen sends Timcanpy to attack it. Timcanpy is asleep. ]_

Rhode: Oh, hey Lavi-tto! How's my brother doing? I hope he hasn't broken your hip.  
Lavi: Uh... Uhh.... It's just... a bit sore. But hey, Rhode, do you know who Allen's first kiss is?  
Rhode: ...It was me, ofcourse! 3  
Lavi: ...No it wasn't. (Your pause also kind of gave you away.)

Allen: *Sigh. Gives up.*  
Kanda: *Watches amusedly.*

Rhode: Alright, fine... It was that girly-looking exorcist. Kanda, was it? Oh, he's so hot.

Kanda: *Growls at being called girly-looking.*

Lavi: Hee! I knew it!! Details! _Details!!_ The two smitten ones won't tell me a thing!  
Rhode: Haha! Those two were bickering again on their second mission, and next thing y'know, Kanda-bar jumped him~!  
Lavi: ON THE SECOND MISSION?! Kyaaa!! I knew there was some tension on their first mission!

Kanda: You SAW?  
Allen: *Glares at Timcanpy, who grins back.*

Rhode: Haha, then Allen was sooo bewildered. Then Kanda told him it didn't mean anything. Pfft! They didn't talk again till they met up at Edo!  
Lavi: *Sighhh.* That's so like him!  
Rhode: Then the day after you guys stole the Earl's old ark... grr... I'm still mad at you guys for that! I saw Allen go into the ark, but I lost track of him... But... A while later, Kanda went the same way he did, and dissapeared too... Hmm...  
Lavi: ...Oh my god. _You don't think... Oh my god!_ Thanks!!  
Rhode: Yeah. Heh. Well, Sheryll is calling me, bye!  
Lavi: _Byeee!_

[ Awkward silence. ]

Kanda: Do you have a Queen?  
Allen: (Yeah, you.) Nope. Go fish.  
Kanda: *Glares.* You liar.

Lavi: OH MY GOOODD, YOU DID HIM IN THE SECRET ROOM OF THE ARK, DIDN'T YOU?! KYAAA!

Kanda and Allen: *Sighhh.*

**::xoxox::**

+ Fleshlight - I'm warning you. Don't google it if you don't know what it is. NOT work-safe. XD"

+ Ningyo - Romaji (Romanized Japanese) for doll.


	3. SW :: Scenario I

**x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x  
::// { Snow White :: In the Style of Yullen }  
x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x**  
\.Scenarios: I - And We Are./

**::xoxox::**

Couples, family, and friends glided across the ballroom floor together in unison. Of the many parties, Kanda's attendance at this certain ball was vital, as many important people would be there, and establishing a link with them especially wouldn't hurt. That was Allen's job, he would. However, it pissed him off to see the merry couples dance around so reasonlessly happy. The women were dull and were the type who agreed and giggled at everything you say. Infuriating. The men all flocked to the pretty women and were all the same as well. Embarassing. He'd much rather spend his free time with Allen. He was honestly and truly kind. He lies about his own happiness, but Kanda accepts this--he both loves and hates it. (It's lovely, anyway.) His smiles are bright, even when forced, while his real smiles are mostly reserved for him. He's the only one who can amuse him, with his cute mistakes, embarrassed smiles, and adorable pouts. Even his bad traits were lovable; he was a little selfish (and yet very selfless), he was an evil (yet so good), a conniving little, cheating, gluttoning, did I mention evil--anyway, there was nothing about him not to (both) love (and hate).

Allen of course, loved people. He preferred just the company of the Japanese man, but the people were nice to him. He complemented many of the women with their pretty gowns, and made small talk with them and their spouses, forcing Kanda along with him. Any time he refused to talk, Allen would make up embarrasing lies about him. "_BaKanda doesn't flush the toilet. BaKanda likes to lovingly stroke his own hair._"

Another man and his wife greeted Kanda. They were dressed extravagantly, not unlike all the rest. The well-tailored suits and blossoming gowns were indeed beautiful, but the people were not. Most were not ugly by any means; just dull. "Greetings again, Sir Kanda. I hope you remember me!" the lady curtsied slightly. The man bowed a little.

Kanda nodded slightly in acknowledgement.

The woman spoke gracefully. "Oh, and who is this beautiful young, _umm..._ lad?"

Allen twitched, a little irritated at her slight pause before determining his gender. Kanda smirked evily, noticing this. "Uhm... It's nice to meet you sir and ma'am. I'm Allen Walker," he replied.

"Oh my, I've always wanted to meet you. You _really are_ as the rumours say--_absolutely gorgeous...!_ Why, you and Sir Kanda seem very close. Out of curiosity, what's your relationship?" the woman asked cheerfully, clinging lightly to her loving husband, who seemed interested as well.

Allen wasn't sure how to respond. He flushed lightly, but he looked at Kanda and then back to them. He never thought too deeply about how Kanda thought of him.

Kanda answered boredly, "he's... my adopted brother."

"Ah, I see!" the man said. However, the woman had seemed a bit disappointed.

Allen stayed quiet after that, but he couldn't stop thinking about it. Kanda seemed to love him indeed, but there are so many different kinds of love. It made his mind spin and wander with sadness, confusion, and uncertainty. Kanda noticed this, of course.

"Oi, listen up moyashi," Kanda said after abruptly stopping while they were walking in the castle gardens, making Allen bump into his back. The taller man turned around.

"It's Allen, you retard..." Allen replied.

"Shut up. And I'm gonna make this very clear." Kanda paused, leaning in closer. "I have never, and never will, see you as.. as a 'brother'. Understood?" Kanda said sternly, unafraid to look into his eyes.

Allen was a bit taken back, but after a slight pause, he replied in a small voice, filled with happiness, "Mhmm, understood."

Kanda turned around, and started walking once again. Allen hid his heated face with his scarf, and from the cold. He was in a daze of bliss.

Later, they made themselves a pot of hot cocoa. Allen thoughtfully used a dark chocolate and peppermint mix for Kanda, since he wasn't too fond of sweet foods. Allen himself had hot white chocolate. Allen burnt his tongue a few times, causing Kanda to call him a loser and snicker at him. They read a Japanese mystery novel together (Allen understood a bit of Japanese, he insisted he'd learn) under blankets next to the fireplace, falling asleep together.

**Author's Note:** D8 Uwaaaa, sorry for the long-time no update. XD This here is a scene from their childhood. Sorry but it lacks humour. = u=" And... Uh... I hope it's alright. I've had this little interlude for a while. The next chapter is finished. :3 Hmm... When is it best to upload it...?


	4. SW :: Chapter III

**x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x  
::// { Snow White :: In the Style of Yullen }  
x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x  
**\: Chapter III :: Road Trip :/

**::xoxox::**

"Come on, _go go go_!" Allen playfully insisted.

"_Don't fucking rush me,_ dammit!!" Kanda grumbled, slamming his suit case shut.

The two hurried down the floors in a childish race, and jumped onto a cheap horse-driven cart in disguises. Allen went as an old gentleman with a monocle and cane. The other as the driver. The people around couldn't not notice them--even in disguises they were too charismatic and gave away instantly. They were rather confused. Were they role playing, maybe?

"Hurry up, slowpoke!" the younger boy teased as he jumped down another flight of stairs.

"_Gahh!_ You used Clown Belt to tie me to the handles, _you fucking cheater!!_" Kanda yelled irritably, tugging at his tied leg.

Allen stuck his tongue out at him.

Kanda ripped apart the Belt tying his leg with Mugen, then followed.

**::xoxox::**

Allen yawned in the hay, leaning on some empty wooden boxes. He had changed out of his silly disguise into a more comfortable sweater. "Yuu, where are we headed?"

"Far away. _Far away from that insane, pathetic excuse for a man, or king._" Kanda scowled.

"Are we eloping?" Allen asked boredly, taking a seat right in his arms. He was half joking. Just half.

"Ha, _quit dreaming,_" the Asian said, smirking. He shuffled a bit to make space for Allen.

"Oh, that's just cruel," the younger one said, laughing lightly.

xxx

The trip consisted a lot of sight-seeing.

Allen bit on another stick of dango. "Oh, Yuu!! Look! That cow has a black patch that looks like a heart!!" Allen said excitedly.

"Henh, you fool," Kanda mocked, doubting that the 'heart' would look very much like a heart, but then looked to see that there was indeed such a cow with a black patch almost exactly shaped like a heart, he continued, "woah, _that's trippy._"

"Isn't it?" Allen looked up at him happily. Oh, he was just too cute.

xxx

Allen took out another random stick of dango, biting merrily on the first dumpling. But as soon as he looked away, catching attention of a tortoise on wheels in the middle of the woods, he heard a 'chomp' sound.

"Yuu?! What the!! _Y-you ate my dango!!!_" Allen fumed.

Kanda shrugged indifferently, "It was lotus root tempura flavoured. _You had it coming._"

Allen blinked. "Right, your favourite. How could I forget...?" Allen sighed, before smiling and feeding the last piece to Kanda. "Hmph... you're probably the only one who'd I'd willingly give my food to."

"Hah. Glutton. '_Can't you share?'_"Kanda mocked. "_Ring a bell,_ moyashi?"

Allen grumbled, defeated.

"Well, at least I got payback for all those times you stole my soba."

Allen smiled at that. Ah, good times.

xxx

"Uwahhh! The chickies are _so_ cute..." Allen said, leaning his head out the window, some hay sticking out of his ruffled hair.

"Che. Those annoying things? It's like they exist to _MAKE_ you step on them."

"They look good..." Allen drooled.

Kanda panicked with a look of horror on his face, realizing that Allen was thinking with his freaking pancreas, when looking at a baby chick, of all things.

xxx

[ 少しくらい笑いそうになれたらなんて ]*

_Why was I able to smile a little?_

[ 思ったりして大人ぶった ]

_As I was thinking of a reason, I acted like an adult_

[ 無邪気になって時めき ]

_My innocent heart beating rapidly_

[ 返してみた ]

_I tried to return it_

Allen sang merrily, picking flowers from a meadow they stopped at. Handpicking flowers of various sizes and colour, he strung them into a headdress, as he leaned against Kanda's back. He was meditating. Carnations, pinwheel-looking flowers, hydrangeas and smaller flowers of shades of blue and lavender decorated Allen's white tresses. He tied up the loose ends of another design, and plopped it on Kanda's head. White mongolia flowers were strung together with small purple nightshade-looking flowers, which complemented his beautiful strands of hair.

[ そんな頃の事懐かしいね ]

_Thinking of that time makes me nostalgic_

[ イイね ah~ イイね ah~ ハートに残る ]

_It's great (Ah~) It's great (Ah~) It stays in my heart_

[ 忘れないあの香り ]

_I'll never forget that scent_

"Kandaaa!" Allen called out.

Said 'Kanda' did not respond.

"...Oiiii! _BaKandaaa!_"

Still, silence.

"...Yuu!"

"Hn. What, brat?" Kanda asked, eyes open in a flash. "Oof!" he groaned as he was glomped lovingly to the ground by the younger boy. But still, Allen blamed Kanda for squishing his headdress.

xxx

Three-quarters to their destination, they ran into a little predicament. They were stopped by two obnoxious, self-proclaimed bandits. One was rather good-looking and had purple-tinted wild black hair, the other had messy long blonde hair and had his mouth stitched (as if it was fail-stitched by one of their maids, Miranda). However, their clothes showed so much skin it was more probable that they were male prostitutes. Or followers of Hard Gay. One or the other. Seriously, was that supposed to be intimidating or disturbing?

"HEY, YOU TWO! _Stop riiigght there!_" the dark-haired man exclaimed loudly, jumping in front of the poor couple's cart, pointing at them with a machine gun. Kanda halted for a second.

The two "victims" heard another gun being caulked. (Yep, caulk. Heehee.) "Yeah, yeah!! Allen Walker, _give us everything you've got!_ Or you die!" the blonde demanded, giggling.

Devit tried explaining, "Your master, Marian Cross--He-Debt--_UWAAAHHH!!_"

Before he was so rudely cut off. Allen, who got pissed at his master's name even being mentioned (especially in the same sentence with "debt"), grabbed the horse strap, and urged the horses to just run their half naked asses over.

Jasdero wailed, "_Are you insane?!_ We have guns pointed at your head and you just ignore it and try to crush us?!! _That hurts,_ hee hee!!" He started shooting wildly at the cart, but Kanda dodged them easily. "Hee... _I'll carve out your hearts!_"

Meanwhile, Allen quickly dove under the machine gun before Devit could even try to pull the trigger again, and used his own neck as a lever while he used his right hand to pull it out of the attacker's grip. He used his elbow, then foot to shove Devit to the ground. Allen tossed the gun into the cart before smiling serenely at them, cracking his fists threateningly. "Sorry, but I'm afraid _I know nobody by the name of Mario Crush._"

Devit furiously swore wild profanities, "Hey you brat!! Don't deny it! YOUR master was the one that tried to frame _US_ for robbery!!"

"_Not our problem_," Kanda said eerily as he tossed an unconscious Princess Peach (Jasdero) onto Devit. He threw Allen over his shoulder and jumped back onto the cart.

Allen pondered for a bit before reaching into his pocket. He pulled out some cash for the two twins. "Here, I'm sorry about my master. This isn't much... But please take it," Allen apologized kindly.

"Hey, bastard!! S-Stop groping me, damn you!" the silverette yelled. Kanda drove the cart past over a puddle and splashed mud all over the annoying brothers.

Jasdero cried for his dear deerskin vest. "Nooo, this was my favourite shiiirrrt!"

Devit looked into his hand. The money they were given was just $200 in Disney monopoly money. And with it was a heart-shaped card.

* * *

Dear my darling Sweetie,

Hi cutie pie! You looked sexerrific today. I wanted to just eat. You. Up. Call me~! CHU!

xoxo Cell: 020-319-2727  
Email: Sherikins[at]yahoo[dot]com

Sincerely Yours, Sheryll Kamelot.

* * *

A mouth painted with lipstick was pressed at the bottom of the note.

Devit felt severely uncomfortable. Feeling a chill, he stabbed it to shreads with a dagger before cursing Allen Walker repeatedly for the humiliation he recieved.

**::xoxox::**

Allen couldn't stop fidgeting, he was so nervous. So many thoughts went through his head. He never thought that saying those three little words would be so damn difficult. He's always been so courageous, but... This was Kanda. How the hell do you confess to a prick who's in a way, your "brother"? And said prick hated cliches--for him, actions counted more than words. But Allen knew that he should say it at least once. He was a little worried--what if he read all the little signs of love wrong? What if Kanda didn't love him the same way Allen loves him? Ahhhh! He decided to just say it. If it doesn't work out, he can improvise.

From behind, Allen tightly embraced Kanda at his neck, burrowing his face to hide his embarrassment. "Yuu... Uhm... Thank you for taking care of me all these years..."

Kanda was surprised at first, but he stopped the cart to listen. The female horse's eyes sparkled, and watched intently while the male horse... Well, last time, lets just say he lost too much blood and almost had to be put down. Timcanpy kindly covered its ears with it wings.

"Every moment we've spent together has been precious to me... From our stupidest little fights to when I used to make up excuses so I could sleep in the same bed as you..." Allen continued, raising his head a little to meet Kanda's eyes. "I've long realized that the most important person to me... is you."

"Moyashi...?"

"Kanda Yuu... I... I-I LOVE Y-Y-YOGURT!!" Allen proclaimed.

A gust of wind flew by, and the female horse face palmed herself with her hoof.

"Pffffft!" Kanda burst out into snickers, trying to hold onto his bench so he won't fall over into uncharacteristic laughter. He smirked, "Henh, I love yogurt too, Moyashi."

Allen panicked at his screw-up. "Ah-Uhm... Craaaappp...." he cried. "_Wait a minute_--then why didn't you eat the Oomori soba-flavoured yogurt I got you?!" Allen fumed.

Kanda sighed a deep sigh. "I meant--gahh... Whatever. Anyway, I don't think anybody in their right mind would eat that thing.

Allen was crestfallen. "But, _it was limited-edition!!_"

"Gee, I wonder why," Kanda droned, lashing the horses. "Would you eat a mitarashi dango flavoured tofu?"

"That sounds _delicious!!_" Allen beamed with sparkling eyes.

"_GO TO YOUR ROOM,_" Kanda demanded, pointing towards the cart's tent cover.

Allen went to sulk in the corner of the tent, threatening his wrist with a rather pointy stick.

**::xoxox::**

Their carriage traveled a few towns over. They've been on the road for hours and hours--much too long--at maximum speed.

"Oi! Moyashi, we're almost there!"

There was no reply. Maybe he was sleeping?

"Moyashi?" Kanda called again. He parked the cart and checked inside the tent. Allen was no where in sight. However, there was a huge rip in the tent. Oh god, that idiot probably fell out in his sleep. Timcanpy wasn't there either. The best bet was probably to stay in the area and wait for Allen to have Timcanpy find him.

**::xoxox::**

**xx:OMAKE:xx **Warning: Kind of mind scarring. There are OCs, children of you-can-guess. XD  
See my other fic "Coming of Apocalypse" for more information.

"Nggh-ahhh..." a moan came from inside a sleek black SUV, which rocked back and forth deep in the large park. The night was dark, with few lamp lights. However, the stars out made up for the lack of light.

A raven-haired Asian man wrapped his arms around his lover from the back. He taunted Allen with a deep breath in the neck...

Then as suddenly as a snowball targets YOU, a large van skidded by, making a sharp stop at the side, as if the driver was purposely flaunting off his awesome driving skills. The said driver, Lucky Mikk, reached his hand out of driver's seat window, and tapped his cigarette twice to rid of the ash. Nero Kamelot slammed open the van's back seat door, revealing some sort of fancy lab. Both of them were dressed up in black business suits. She dashed to the couple's car, and unnecessarily attacked Kanda and his companion.

"GAHH!!! _WHAT THE FU-?!_" Kanda snapped as Nero sent her men to push him to the back of the car.

"Ehh?! Yuu!! What's going on I--" Allen panicked. "Oh my god, _are we being attacked by pirates?!_"

However, in actual truth, no. They were being attacked by Kabuki dancers. Who kept whacking their annoying fans at Kanda and his car!! Wait a minute-- there were half a dozen people there--how'd they all fit in the truck?!

"I GOT THE CONDOM!!!" She declared victoriously, holding up the pink strawberry-flavoured condom up with a clamp stick (which woefully belongs to William T. Spears). As for dramatic affect, she poked her sunglasses back into place with a finger Uryu Ishida style. Immediately after, she and her men leaped back into the van, slamming the door shut. Lucky and Nero gave eachother the thumbs-up, and drove off.

** [ TAKE OFF YOUR STRIDE CONDOM AND WEAR A NEW PIECE, ALREADY. OR WE'LL FIND YOU. ]******

******STRIDE!! **_**The ridiculously long-lasting condom.**__****_

"Why the fuck were we using a condom in the first place?!" Kanda complained. "_This is gay sex!!!_"**

Allen tried to shut him up. "BaKanda!! _Not so damn loud!_"

**::xoxox::**

*Song: HEART by Otsuka Ai.

**PEOPLE. XD If you've had multiple partners, USE A CONDOM! Even if it's gay sex. Unless you're tested before the... uhh... artful activity. Dot dot dot.

**Author's Note:** Uwaaaa. Finally uploaded! c: Sorry for the delay. XD" I just don't have time anymore...  
(Well, not ENTIRELY true. I just dub my DS and PSP time "necessary free time". 8D Lawl.)  
Anyway, this chappie was more fluff than humour, sorry. e we

NEXT TIME, the DWARVES ARE INTRODUCED! 8D Oh mah lawd. Oh. And how do you guys feel about the stuff about the poisoned apple? :C Should I do the corset too? But I need to find a replacement for a corset... ; A; --OH WAIT--I KNOW!! TWEWY (The World Ends With You/Subarashi Kono Sekai "It's a Wonderful World") REFERENCE! 8D Thanks guys, you are made of genius~! (Reader: *Didn't even do anything.* _)

And about the omake, it's a parody of the Stride Gum commercial. XD


	5. SW :: Chapter IV Pt1

**x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x  
::// { Snow White :: In the Style of Yullen }  
x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x  
**\: Chapter III :: The Eccentric Houses Pt 1:/

**::xoxox::**

"82 bottles of beer (in a heeled boot) on the wall, 82 bottles of beer!!" most of the dwarves sang merrily, riding their mining cart back home. Rikei annoying-happily suggested that they should've sung about vodka instead, but Johnny knew better. Though Johnny was sneezing half the sentence, he made a point that winter would chase after them like a shaggy Euro-trash rapist.

It should probably be mentioned that over half of the dwarves were drunk.

The blonde two-spot, Link, did not participate in the vocal mingling, but merely grumbled about how unprofessional the singing was.

Baka-Bak (sober, apparently--he claims he's too cool for booze) led the mining group since nobody else really bothered.

However, Fou (drunk as a fucking skunk) made all the decisions and had veto-ing power--since Bak was pretty much her bitch. She ruled him with... well... her sleeve.

"Hey, Grumpy-pants!! How much di' we scav'nge today mate?!" Rikei asked extremely happily, drunk like a sober Scottishman.

"It's Link. _I've asked you politely multiple times_ not to denounce my name, but it seems like the alchohol must have killed the rest of your brain cells," Link (still can't drink for shit) replied bitterly.

"_Kimchiii?_" Shifu (sleepily drunk, but sober enough to Shi-Kung-Fu a Korean cuisine in his sleep) flambouyantly offered Fou.

"_Hell yes!_" Fou beamed, snatching the plate of spicy cabbage.

Bak eyed the last portion of the dish. "Hey wait!! I want some of that _daaaanngerous_ looking stuff too, Dopey!"

"It's 'DOPE' Fou, _mo-roonn~_ Git with tha times, _sista!_ What's up witchu, man? _Jus' fo that yo, you ain't gettin' nuthin!_" she replied in a sassy tone, thinking she was fashionably black.

"...Did you just call me _sista?_" BakaBak asked in bewilderment. He shuddered.

Link, however, had already beaten Bak to the kimchi with his PHD in Handling Chopsticks, whipping out his chopsticks gracefully from his hair like the nerdja he is.

"_PBBBBFFTBBT!!!_" Johnny sneezed. "_Oh gods, whhyy am I still a virgiiinnn?! I'm so pathetic... But the more I think about it, I want to cry. And the more I cry about it, I get a runnier nose. And now my nose buurrns! May I turn into a Moai..._"

"..._Waaaaayyy_ too much information," Bak warned sheepishly.

"Ohhh, Snee-zephyr! How about I introduce you to a hot gal?! Her name is Mahoja!!" Fou proposed mischieviously.

"R-Really? You'd do that for me?" Jhonny cried in unaware happiness. "Her name sounds like some sort of coffee bean... _It's beautiful!!_"

"SHIFU!! Stop frolicking around and put some clothes on!!!" the grumpy Link roared.

"B-But my rear feels so _free_ in the wind!" Shifu whimpered.

"And you have _SCARRED_ our leader Bak Chan into a catonic state with the sight of you naked in a loincloth!! So I forbid you--_with my authority!!_" Link commanded, holding up a badge. Meanwhile, Bak was frothing at the mouth.

"What's up, Doc?!" Fou mocked, kicking their "leader" in the gut.

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm busy having a seizure," Bak replied.

"Uwaaa!! T-There's a boy lying in the road!" Lo yelled. "_S-Stop the cart!_"

"Ehh? Just run him over!" Fou suggested carelessly, waving her hand dismissively.

"Quit joking around, do you expect me to cover all of us for murder?!" Link lectured.

"H-He's so peculiar... But so pretty..." Lo said shyly. "I hope he's alright."

"_What freakish haaiiir~!_" Fou proclaimed drunkenly. "Re-remindds me of the radish I eight earlier~ _Mm... I could go for seconds..._"

"That was my radish-man figurine you ate, _betch,_" Jhonny cried bitterly.

"Aiya! That's no freak! It's a _bishounen!_" Doctor Bak announced. "And if anything, Doper, _you're_ the freaky looking one. _You look like the bottom of my aquarium_ with the clam outfit and what-not."

"Hey, why do you like... Always like ta contra-contradict meee? _Just because I'm a man!_" Fou questioned, feelings genuinely (and drunkenly) hurt.

"You're not a man," Bak stated bluntly.

"OH! _You bastard*!_" Fou cried flambouyantly in a how-could-you-say-such-a-thing tone.

Then after much bitching and debate, the dwarves did their best to heave the boy onto the cart, and then brought him home.

"But... Technically, isn't Fou sexless? She's our guardian diety, and... (AH-CHOO! Sniff...) Like, I'm pretty sure she's part wall," Jhonny explained.

"Well, that explains why she's so flat," said Bak indifferently.

Fou elbowed him rather violently in the face upon being provoked. Paiiinnn. The other dwarves laughed at the hilarious scene. And then they all drove home towards the sunset, with joy-filled singing...

"LINK, he come to town! He come to save... Shiek the freak!!**" all most of the dwarves sang epically. Allen however, conveniently stayed asleep.

"H-Hey... Uhm," Lo bashfully mumbled. "Isn't this... Technically kidnapping?"

"Ah, Finder's Keepers~! Loser's... Can deal with it!" Bak replied.

"MEN, PLEASE have some decency and be quiet (Read: SHUT THE BLEEPING UP)," Link said eerily. "Or else I'll make sure all of you exept Lo and Rikei will be having _culm and roadkill porridge_ for all three meals the rest of the week."

Everyone stopped talking.

That is... Only for about... (Click!) 6.58 seconds.

"Seee?! Even the ruler-stuck-in-the-butt guy acknowledges my manhood!" Fou yelled.

"OH MYSELF! You know what? I think I've figured out what this is all about. For the last fucking time, I'm not fucking GAY! _And either fucking way,_ I fucking still wouldn't fucking go out with you!!" Bak roared. Fou was about to snap back, when...

"Could I have the culm porridge _without_ the "L" in the middle?" Shifu asked thoughtfully, innocence seemingly plastered over his face.

"You're sick," Bak stated, face disgusted at the terrible pun.

"Don't change the subject here...!" Fou sobbed angrily, "You are SO gay! _Wikipeddiiaa even said sooo~!_"

The cart immiediately halted to a stop. Link growled darkly, "_Wikipediiiaaaa. Is. Invaliiiddd!_"

"_B-But!_"

"Your argument is _invalid!!_" Link demanded, slamming his fist on the nearest surface--that being Jhonny's head. Who retaliated--no, more like sulked by playing Invader Tetris.

"Invalid?! _The source was cited,_ mofo!" mo-Fou argued, slamming her own fist on Bak's head. Bak spouted random profanities and flailed violenty, but Fou easily kept him under control by keeping him under her foot as if he were a pathetic magikarp. Pointing at him, she continued, "Not to mention he hid covert photography of Komui under his covert pictures of Lenalee!!"

And so Link was defeated.

Allen's ears twitched slightly. It wouldn't be unlikely at all for him to later recall that blackmailable information. Even though he was still, supposedly, deeply asleep, and shouldn't have possibly been able to hear a single word...

"_Tha-That's not true!_ I love Lenalee!!" Bak insisted.

"Yeah, because she looks like her brother Komui!!" Fou cried.

"NOO! _I swear, we only had a one-night thing!!_" Bak confessed, violently shaking his head.

"Wait--_WHAAATT?_" many of the dwarves yelled. Bak quickly covered his mouth, horrified at what he had just mistakenly blurted out. Allen adjusted himself--ears perked and unconciously paying attention.

"And Doc-san... Didn't you tell me that often when you dream about Lenalee, Komui or Fou usually ends up appear--" Lo Fwa said meekly before Bak covered her mouth, face red and breaking into a rash.

"NOOO! Don't say it, Bashful!!"

Fou was much too stunned to hear anything Lo Fwa had said. Too shocked about her suspicions about Bak's sexuality being confirmed, her gaydar finally broke... Fou clawed harshly into the cart's wooden walls, fingers and tears nearly corroding everything they touched. As if Russia was behind the wall to be imprisoned in a cage known as marriage.

"Don't be sad, Fou! I'll introduce you to this nice guy, Tapp--" Jhonny offered "kindly" between evil snickers--but the thing was... Fou already knew who this "Tapp" was (no matter how sweet he may be, Tapp's unattractiveness is kind of hard to miss). So she violently punched him in the face with the back of her fist. Sorry Jhonny, but you fail.

Fou transformed into a horrifyingly accurate version of Komui--in a white Hard-Gay outfit (with a beret no less) and a syringe. She rocked her hips flambouyantly. "_OH DARLING BAK CHAN-CHAN~!_ I have a surprise for you!" the imposter cooed. "Don't worry--I won't hurt you! _...Much._"

Bak was so terrified he back dashed right to the very furthest part of the cart. His rash started to get in an even worse condition than before (which should have been impossible).

"You're gonna get _raaaaped,_" warned several of the dwarves.

So whilst the chaos continued on in that large but cramped cart, (where Fou was still trying to jump the poor blonde), their lovely little cottage came into sight.

"OMG YAAAYY, we're home, we're hoomme!" Shifu shouted with glee, randomly flailing his shoelaces. "I call the intranets!"

"No, you nitwit! I still have to check my _stoocckks!_ All you ever do is go on Bookface and 4kun anyways!"*** Link argued.

"_But didn't you know? _The internet is for gay porn!"

"Gah!" Link face-palmed.

**xx:OMAKE1:xx**

Introducing...

The SHAMNOAH!

The newest development in shammie technology... (You getting this extreme awesomeness, camera guy?!) It's made in Japan, because seriously, everyone knows those Elevens—er, Japanese could tear those Germans up in seconds.

So like... It doesn't absorb attacks, it doesn't take calls, and it doesn't suck up really anything at all!

IT'S SO EXTREME, IN FACT... IT'LL _ABSORB YOUR DOG!!!_

/Lulubell in cat form.  


**xx:OMAKE2:xx**

Coming soon to theatres far away from yoouuu!

**Author's Note:** So. Like. I owe you all a big apology for my procrastination regarding this fic. :D But you don't get one. Because I don't regret using that time to play the Ace Attorney game series. :3 So there.

The next part is well on its way. :D It's... somewhat done?

Oh, by the way. Regarding the newest chapters of DGM. I wrote a bunch of stuff in my journal. :3  
Pay a visit to my DeviantArt account: Baniita. www[dot]baniita[dot]deviantart[dot]com.  
It's all truthful ranting! D

** Shiek as opposed to Zelda - Shiek, however you spell his name, is from the Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time, I think.

_SPOILERSPOILERSPOILERSPOILER:_ Shiek is Princess Zelda in disguise. 8D And holy craaaap, she walks faster in heels then Link can walk. D: That's kind of sad. XD /end spoiler.

Meanwhile, "Link, He Come to Town" is a song.

***Bookface = Facebook. 4kun = 4chan, which is internet fecal matter.

**** I'm so sorry. So sorry for traumatizing you. (I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing.) This is based on a comedic line from Jeff Dunham. He's a pretty bad ventriloquist, but so damn funny. Achmed, Walter, and Peanut are my favourite puppets of his~

+ Elevens: Code Geass reference.


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